MAJOR SIN #3

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 3 months since my last confession.

I’ve been expecting you, my child.

YOU HAVE???

You shouldn’t sound so surprised! For an old guy, I’m pretty tapped in. The Word on the street is vanity insanity was tempting you to walk on the dark side.

HUH?

The parishioners organizing the rummage sale have been gossiping for weeks that your no-new-plastic pledge was headed for another disaster all because of mascara.

Oh no, Father. That’s not the sin I’ve committed. My MAJOR SIN today Father is much, much bigger than mascara. With far greater implications to the planet and especially to my plastic shrine.

This sounds serious. Go ahead and confess your MAJOR SIN child, so that I may absolve you of your guilt.

Well, Father, to be honest I feel absolutely no guilt. Not one iota. And Father, I confess my no-new-plastic pledge was not even a consideration in my decision to commit this sin.

Oh Father, isn't that horrid. Hypocritical. Perhaps I have been tempted to the dark side!

MAYBE BEELZEBUB IS NOW MY MIDDLE NAME.

Here, let me check if I can rotate my head 360 degrees.

Saints be with us! Hang on while I grab some holy water and my copy of ‘Exorcism for Dummies’.

Father, the SIN I have to confess is…..I have bought a new home.

Oh my child, how can buying a new home be a SIN?

Think about it father. A home has lots of plastic in it. In the refrigerator, the dials on the stove, the plumbing hoses and washers, the toilet lid, the bathtub, the dishwasher racks, the closet organizers, the switches in the fuse box, the eavestroughs, all the wiring, lighting fixtures and electrical outlets, even the carpet. Even the paint!

Hmmm, this IS serious.

Yes, Father it is a whopper of a SIN. It’s PurgatoryWorthy. And it’s sad to say but ‘plastic-free’ never even made it onto my list of PropertyCan’tHaves. I was more concerned with re-sale value, square footage, location, and if I could still commute by bus instead of use MyLittleCar to get to work.

I guess I knew it would be impossible to buy a plastic-free home.

And Father, it gets worse. I have intentionally bought a home that needs renovating. There’s paint, and flooring, and new appliances to consider. New counter tops and faucets and landscaping.

This one SIN leads me perilously down a road fraught with the potential for more SINs.

Child, why do make it so hard on yourself? You really should see a shrink about that.

Well, Father, I guess I feel up for the challenge. I am fearless. Because I am the new consumer. It’s my mission for 2007 to help others chart the course to a greener future in my own little humble plastic-free way.

You see Father, I intend to try to renovate using no plastic and seeing if I can find eco-friendly products that are also plastic-free. That in itself will be a huge challenge. Kind of like finding plastic-free mascara that is also cruelty-free.

That IS going be a challenge. Why don’t you go easy on yourself and just make a new rule for your NoNewPlastic Pledge that says anything you buy pertaining to your renovation and home is exempt?

But Father. That would be cheating. That would be like taking a vow of celibacy but having an unholy union with a choir......

Okay, I get your point. It would be cheating.

And so candy-ass. I am way braver than that.

The tough part is Father, my rules say that once any plastic I buy gets used up it must be placed in my plastic shrine. How am I gonna put all that carpet into my plastic shrine?

Well, my child, I guess you’ll just have to get a bigger shrine.

Perhaps. But Father, do you think if I am able to donate to charity, or sell, any of the items I will replace, for example the fridge, or the carpet, that I may not have to put them into my shrine? I do have an existing rule that says if I am given plastic as a gift, and then regift it to someone else that plastic doesn’t count.

Well, that could be a possibility. I tell you what, why not ask your fellow parishioners what they think and let them help you decide.

Ahh, Father, you are a wise man. I will ask them! If I am able to sell or donate any of the plastic filled items within my new home, will those items have to appear in the plastic shrine!

In the meantime, your penance today, my child, is to say 1,000 Hail-David-Suzukis, 1,000 Hail-Al-Gores AND 1,000 Debbie Travis’....And you must kiss my rosary.

Father, remember, I can’t it’s made of plastic….

Oh, you're right. I keep on forgetting. Okay then, just go forth and stay true to your pledge....Flip This House Plastic-Free!