Friday, January 12, 2007

Plastic Free: Crackers

You may be thinking ‘Wow, this EnviroWoman is a hardcore GRANOLA-type’. The sad reality is — I’m more of a RiceCakeChick. There’s nothing better to satisfy the munchies (and I mean that so TOTALLY NOT the way you think) then Quaker Butter Popcorn Rice Cakes. But, maybe I’ll have to resort to granola after all, ‘cuz it ain't looking plastic-pretty in the cracker aisle.

Now, I’m not a big cracker consumer. My wee cerebral capillaries take exception to anything laced with MSG and most crackers are smack-full of the stuff. But Breton’s (Originals only), all Stoned Wheat Thins and Quaker’s Butter Popcorn (YUM!)/Caramel Chip/and Chocolate Chip Rice Cakes make it through my internal MSG-screen. So do the rice cakes produced under the Safeway label, but they’re just TOO, TOO boring — even for me.

Stroll down the cracker aisle and things are pretty deceptive. Most crackers look innocent enough in their ‘come-hither’ cardboard boxes. But you can’t fool EnviroWoman, I know there’s plastic packaging lurking deep inside. Now if memory serves me, some (like Triscuits) have more of a waxy paper bag inside — gotta do some research to see if, in fact, it’s plastic coated.

Here’s the grim truth: ALL rice cakes and most crackers don’t make it through my no-new-plastic screen. This means, not a single Butter Popcorn Rice Cake is gonna pass these luscious lips o’ mine in 2007. Poop.

And here’s an even harsher reality — the only plastic-free edible in the cracker aisle are Wasa Crispbreads (Yeah, I know, I’m using the term ‘edible’ REALLY, REALLY loosely here.) You know the ones I’m talking about — looks like a healthy cracker wafer, tastes like cardboard.

Let’s see, today is January the 12th, and I’m on my third package of these little suckers and all I can say is …..I CAN’T GET NO SATISFICATION.

Now, I’m okay with getting all domestic-goddess and making my own tofu burgers, but I bet even Martha doesn’t make her own crackers.

So I’m counting on YOU!

If you know of any munchie-satisfying cracker sans plastic packaging, please post a comment below. Please. I’M BEGGING YOU.

So here’s how things add up:


Category: Crackers & Rice Cakes

SAINT: WASA Crispbread

Price: Comparable

Quality: Sub-par

SINNER: CHRISTIE Cheesebits/Premium Plus Crackers/Wheat
Thins/Veggie Thins/Rice Thins/Triscuits (maybe)/Toppables/Ritz/Sociables/Sour Cream & Chives/French Onion/Crispers/Ritz bits, QUAKER Crispy Thins/Crispers/Tortillas/all Rice Cakes, SAFEWAY Rice Chips/Rice Cakes/Select Thin Wheat/Vegetable/Orginal/Salted Crackers/Water Crackers/Salted Crackers/Classic Snack Crackers, RED OVAL Stoned Wheat Thins, BRETON Garden Vegetable/Reduced Fat/Original/Sesame/Petite Minis, DARE Vinta/Grain First, CARRS Poppy & Sesame/Garlic & Herb/Table Wafer, GRISSOL Baguettes/Melba Toast

Lessons Learned:

  • Cracker boxes are a lot like people, one must look beyond the outer packaging, because it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Ooo, how zen.
  • Sometimes it’s better to just say ‘Nope, I think I’ll pass’ instead of lowering your standards and accepting a sub-par alternative. This is true of crackers…and potential mates.
  • Money talks. Chocolate Sings. Wasa sucks.