Plastic free: Bed Sheets

The Prince and the Pea
by Hans Christian Andersen and EnviroWoman

Once upon a time in the magical kingdom of LaLaLand there lived a prince….Prince MyMcDreamy.

He had reached the age where it was time to grow up, say goodbye to the GirlsGoneWild and BarBimbettes, and find himself a wife….a real Princess.

So he traveled around the world searching for her. His quest took him from Alaska to Zanzibar and even to Match.com. But, in all his travels, he never found a TrueBluePrincess. Some came close, but none were ‘just right’. So finally, giving up all hope, he came home to LaLaLand empty handed.

TheQueenMother was not pleased. Was her son going to be TheBachelor for life?

One day, between royal engagements, Prince MyMcDreamy took a walk in the kingdom’s marketplace, but found himself caught in a torrential downpour. It stormed. It thundered. It rained torrents, as it often did in LaLaLand. The road back to the palace was washed away.

Soaked to the royal jewels and stranded, Prince MyMcDreamy took refuge in a tiny shop called Bed.

And it was there, among the myriad of brightly colored 100% cotton muslin duvets, sheets and pillowcases, that his heart skipped a little beat when he laid his eyes upon a true vision of loveliness – a woman (beautiful, blonde and with big bazookas) carrying a wire shopping basket filled with 22 Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut Chocolate bars (the ones in the paper and foil wrappers, not the shiny foily plastic wrappers).

Prince MyMcDreamy thought “Only a genuine princess could eat that much chocolate and still be that skinny.” So he said to the thing of beauty “Wow, you must be a TrueBluePrincess.”

The woman thought to herself “Oh paaalllleeease! That’s gotta be the worse pick up line ever” and said cheekily to Prince MyMcDreamy “Ahhh, no Buddy. I’m an EnviroWoman.”

The prince, realized he had just totally botched his one chance to make a good first impression, so backtracked with ‘My humble apologies for being so forward and unoriginal. I’ve just returned from a quest for a real princess and thought maybe you were TheOne.”

“No prob, SweetCheeks,” said EnviroWoman, “I’m on a quest myself. I’ve taken a NoNewPlastic Pledge this year and have been searching the kingdom for bedsheets that don’t come packaged in plastic. I’ve been to the Bay, and to Ed’s Linen’s but everything…EVERYTHING comes packaged in plastic – and its not even recyclable plastic either. It’s discouraging. It’s un-necessary. And it’s not good for the kingdom. Or for the planet. The QueenMother really should pass a law that forbids it.”

Prince MyMcDreamy looked down at the woman’s feet. He thought for sure she must be standing on a soapbox.

EnviroWoman looked down at the man’s feet. A pool of water was collecting and the words ‘Poor drowned rat’ came to mind.

Her heart softened and she continued, “I’d nearly given up hope. And then I happened upon this little shop, which I’ve never been to before. And look…not a single plastic package in sight. Everything lovingly folded on the shelves, without any packaging at all. Don’t ya just love it! It’s exactly what I’ve been searching for. And look at all the great colors. It just goes to show you…never give up hope, because if you persevere, you’ll find what you’re looking for in the most unlikely places...”

They both looked up, and into each other’s eyes. In that instant TheFates and Cupid stepped in and worked their magic. Pheromones, testosterone, estrogen, and chocolate-laced endorphins collided. Sparks flew. Fireworks blew. It was LoveAtAlmostFirstSight.

EnviroWoman took Prince MyMcDreamy home that night. (Oh get your mind outta the gutter. What was she supposed to do? Remember, the road to the palace was flooded. She couldn’t just leave him there to sleep in the streets.)

Now EnviroWoman was no stupid gal. 'This guy seems too good to be true. I wonder if he REALLY is a SensitiveNewAgeGuy,' thought EnviroWoman.

But she said nothing. Instead she went into the guest bedroom, took all the old bed linens off and laid a pea on the mattress, then she piled twenty more mattresses on top of the pea, and then twenty quilts and muslin sheets on top of the mattresses. This was where Prince MyMcDreamy slept that night.

In the morning EnviroWoman asked Prince MyMcDreamy, “Hey SweetCheeks, how’d you sleep?”

'Awful!' said MyMcDreamy. 'I hardly slept the whole night! The sheets were perfect, but it felt like I was lying on something hard and lumpy. My whole body is black and blue this morning.'

Wow, Prince MyMcDreamy really was a SensitiveNewAgeGuy.

Yup, it was a match made in heaven.

The QueenMother was so pleased she passed an ordinance banning all plastic and forcing all LaLaLand inhabitants to live a OnePlanetLife.

They all lived happily ever after.

This is a true fairy tale story.

So here’s how things add up:

Category: Bed Sheets
SAINT: Any product sold at Bed on West 4th here in LaLaLand (Vancouver). Organic Lifestyle.ca also sells Anna Sova sheets that come in a cloth bag (no plastic).
Price: Comparable. More for the 100% organic sheets
Quality: Really nice. Plus, after they are all used up, they’d make good, absorbent rags too.
SINNER: Any of the lines carried by department and big-box linen stores. Brands like Highland Feather, Ralph Lauren, Percale, Cosmo Girl, Martex, West Pointe Home, Aussino, Nautica, Charter Club House, Liz Clairborne, Maison Drive, Style & Co, NyGard, House & Home, Gluckstein Home, Mantles, Priscilla Presley, Estate, Charter Club Luxury.

Lessons Learned:

• Support stores that don’t use packaging. They seem radical in today’s PackagingObsessed marketplace, but in fact they are really just taking us back to the way things were done decades ago. That is a good thing. Especially good for MotherEarth.
• Question plastic packaging. Why do sheets come packaged in plastic, but towels don’t? They are both gonna touch naked nether regions of your bod. So why is one zipper-vaulted in THICK plastic (that isn't accepted in many blue-box recycling programs) and the other laid out bare on the shelf without any packaging? This is not SpockLogical. But it is a blatant misuse of Nature’s resources.
• Can’t find it at the BigBoxBoys? Then try the LittleGuys. LittleGuys seem less packaging obsessed. Shop local.
• Don't believe everything you read. Especially on the Internet.